Humour
English, Incomprehensible Like a Woman
Her moist juicy lips with cryptic smile superseding the smile of Monalisa of Leonardo De Vinci; the bulging bolstering breast that can make even a devout Muslim a pagan; well carved out waist surpassing the skill of Michel Angelo; her swing and swagger overtaking the beats of Beethoven
By Mukesh Sharma
Of course, it is a flabby fact! To majority of English aspirants learning English as a second language, particularly, from Hindi heartland, the most coveted English is like the inscrutable and incomprehensible legendary Menaka seducing rishi Vishwamitra. The naive so-called the lovers of English fall in love with the seemingly sleek and slim English at the very first gaze. But the gloating love remains unrequited, for, English wards off their all the overtures and advances ruthlessly. And like the jilted lover, the hapless lots continue to hold torch for the coquettish English until their last breath.
The spurned and obsessed lovers first try to understand the ‘anatomy’ of English – the curves and contour; her flowing auburn hair; glowing face with attractive mien and arresting eyes; her moist juicy lips with cryptic smile superseding the smile of Monalisa of Leonardo De Vinci; the bulging bolstering breast that can make even a devout Muslim a pagan; well carved out waist surpassing the skill of Michel Angelo; her swing and swagger overtaking the beats of Beethoven; the hallowed navel, an epicentre of attraction making a bystander imagine that the heaven is not far off; even to a casual onlooker, English appears like living mannequin of erotica.
The majority of so called ‘language trainers’ claim that the thorough knowledge of grammatical rules ‑ noun, pronoun, adjective, verb, adverb, preposition, conjunction and interjection coupled with understanding of tenses - present indefinite .... modals.... can bring an English aspirant close to English. But all this turn out to be the tall claims of Indian netas. However, western scholars contend that English grammar is wanting. It may help to woo but not win the heart of English. The well known English writer Thomas Carlyle goes a step further and says: “Best grammarian are the worst writer and the best writers are the worst grammarian.”
Interestingly enough, English aspirants are legion. They are ready to pay any fee. English speaking course is a flourishing business with collective turnover of crores of rupees in India. What is more, in the most of competitive exams for government services conducted by SSC, UPSC, etc , English paper is mandatory. Sheer nodding acquaintances with English don’t work. Irrespective of all the affirmations, English is the unassailable language of elitist class and ruling class. Article 348 of the Indian Constitution clearly states that English shall be the official language in High Courts and Supreme Court. So the respected mother tongue remains at the mercy of English.
Further, to take advantage of the psyche of dejected aspirants, some self styled ‘teachers’ have even shunned their Indian names and have ‘baptised’ themselves with English sounding names without any ‘Church service’ so that they can pass them off as a ‘next of kin’ of English, and draw and fool the flock. It is a common sight in well known hub of coaching centres at Mukherjee Nagar, North Delhi. “It is a mandi of English”, says a local property dealer ironically. The most of the such so called English gurus claim to be the great grammarian having so phenomenal knowledge of English that they can find mistakes even in English of Shakespeare and Wordsworth. Amusingly and seemingly being blissfully ignorant of the stature of the word ‘Sir’, these ‘gurus’ suffix their names with ‘Sir’.
Among the Indian, the attraction of English is more than the gravitational pull of Jupiter. To them, it is the symbol of status; symbol of class; symbol of intellect. Hon’ble MP Shashi Tharoor mesmerises the ‘crowd’ with his flowery English and accent. Over the years, Republic TV Editor Arnab Goswami has carved out a niche in the hearts of the ‘herd’ with his bold and bullish English.
Despite all English gurus there is a sizable number of students who are not able to either understand or know the ‘custom’ of ‘English’, and such people turn ‘misogynist’- hater of English. She is allegedly rated as a woman of loose morals. Such people argue that the rampant flirtation of English has led to several illegitimate progeny - American English, British English, Canadian English, Welsh English, Irish English, Indian English etc. Some self proclaimed linguists maintain that though genetically related to Sanskrit, English has made off with words from almost all the languages and stands as the most corrupted. Even celebrated Anglo Irish satirist and author of Gulliver’s Travels Jonathan Swift also endorses the view. And the latest jibe against English has been made by none other than the Hon’ble Vice President of India M Venkaiah Naidu: “English is like an illness left behind by the British.”
Anyway, in the light of all these inconclusive never ending squabble, the much sought after love-lady English remains incomprehensive despite all the clash and crush.
