English, Incomprehensible Like a woman

Humour

English, Incomprehensible Like a Woman

Her moist juicy lips with cryptic smile superseding the smile of Monalisa of Leonardo De Vinci; the bulging bolstering breast that can make even a devout Muslim a pagan; well carved out waist surpassing the skill of Michel Angelo; her swing and swagger overtaking the beats of Beethoven

By Mukesh Sharma

Of course, it is a flabby fact! To majority of English aspirants learning English as a second language, particularly, from Hindi heartland, the most coveted English is like the inscrutable and incomprehensible legendary Menaka seducing rishi Vishwamitra. The naive so-called the lovers of English fall in love with the seemingly sleek and slim English at the very first gaze. But the gloating love remains unrequited, for, English wards off their all the overtures and advances ruthlessly. And like the jilted lover, the hapless lots continue to hold torch for the coquettish English until their last breath.

The spurned and obsessed lovers first try to understand the ‘anatomy’ of English – the curves and contour; her flowing auburn hair; glowing face with attractive mien and arresting eyes; her moist juicy lips with cryptic smile superseding the smile of Monalisa of Leonardo De Vinci; the bulging bolstering breast that can make even a devout Muslim a pagan; well carved out waist surpassing the skill of Michel Angelo; her swing and swagger overtaking the beats of Beethoven; the hallowed navel, an epicentre of attraction making a bystander imagine that the heaven is not far off; even to a casual onlooker, English appears like living mannequin of erotica.

The majority of so called ‘language trainers’ claim that the thorough knowledge of grammatical rules ‑ noun, pronoun, adjective, verb, adverb, preposition, conjunction and interjection coupled with understanding of tenses - present indefinite .... modals.... can bring an English aspirant close to English. But all this turn out to be the tall claims of Indian netas. However, western scholars contend that English grammar is wanting. It may help to woo but not win the heart of English. The well known English writer Thomas Carlyle goes a step further and says: “Best grammarian are the worst writer and the best writers are the worst grammarian.”

Interestingly enough, English aspirants are legion. They are ready to pay any fee. English speaking course is a flourishing business with collective turnover of crores of rupees in India. What is more, in the most of competitive exams for government services conducted by SSC, UPSC, etc , English paper is mandatory. Sheer nodding acquaintances with English don’t work. Irrespective of all the affirmations, English is the unassailable language of elitist class and ruling class. Article 348 of the Indian Constitution clearly states that English shall be the official language in High Courts and Supreme Court. So the respected mother tongue remains at the mercy of English.

Further, to take advantage of the psyche of dejected aspirants, some self styled ‘teachers’ have even shunned their Indian names and have ‘baptised’ themselves with English sounding names without any ‘Church service’ so that they can pass them off as a ‘next of kin’ of English, and draw and fool the flock. It is a common sight in well known hub of coaching centres at Mukherjee Nagar, North Delhi. “It is a mandi of English”, says a local property dealer ironically. The most of the such so called English gurus claim to be the great grammarian having so phenomenal knowledge of English that they can find mistakes even in English of Shakespeare and Wordsworth. Amusingly and seemingly being blissfully ignorant of the stature of the word ‘Sir’, these ‘gurus’ suffix their names with ‘Sir’.

Among the Indian, the attraction of English is more than the gravitational pull of Jupiter. To them, it is the symbol of status; symbol of class; symbol of intellect. Hon’ble MP Shashi Tharoor mesmerises the ‘crowd’ with his flowery English and accent. Over the years, Republic TV Editor Arnab Goswami has carved out a niche in the hearts of the ‘herd’ with his bold and bullish English.

Despite all English gurus there is a sizable number of students who are not able to either understand or know the ‘custom’ of ‘English’, and such people turn ‘misogynist’- hater of English. She is allegedly rated as a woman of loose morals. Such people argue that the rampant flirtation of English has led to several illegitimate progeny - American English, British English, Canadian English, Welsh English, Irish English, Indian English etc. Some self proclaimed linguists maintain that though genetically related to Sanskrit, English has made off with words from almost all the languages and stands as the most corrupted. Even celebrated Anglo Irish satirist and author of Gulliver’s Travels Jonathan Swift also endorses the view. And the latest jibe against English has been made by none other than the Hon’ble Vice President of India M Venkaiah Naidu: “English is like an illness left behind by the British.”

Anyway, in the light of all these inconclusive never ending squabble, the much sought after love-lady English remains incomprehensive despite all the clash and crush.

FREEDOM TO COURT AND CUCKOLD

Humour

FREEDOM TO COURT AND CUCKOLD

“Judgement is like an idea of a river without its banks”

By Mukesh Sharma

Surprisingly enough. the Oracles of Law took 158 years to understand that a woman is not a commodity or property of man,  and out of collective wisdom of the bench declared the Section 497 of IPC (Indian Penal Code)  as unconstitutional and archaic. However, the IPC which was conceived and created in 1860 by the sharpest knife of the British regime Lord Macaulay for the Indian subjects, would continue to rule the Indian judiciary.

Though ‘Right to Have Sex’ doesn’t figure in much-touted Fundamental Rights, Sir Oracles have endorsed it through their historic observations, a watershed:

Adultery can be a ground for divorce but not a criminal offence: Justice Deepak Mishra

Husband is not the Master of wife: Justice Y.D. Chandrachud

What is noteworthy, the Oracles of law in all spirit and overtone, have concurred with the great and garrulous minds ¬ poets and writers of wayward West.

An English American poet, Wystan Hugh Auden in his poem entitled To Christopher Isherwood,(1930), says:

Let us honour if we can,
The vertical man,
Though we value none,
But the horizontal one.

A promiscuous American poet Ogden Nash goes further and in his poem entitled Sweet Home give vent to his outpourings:

Home is heaven and

Orgies are vile,

But you need an orgy

Once in a while

The renowned American novelist Joseph Heller in his novel Catch 22 (1961) opines:

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble. 

Yet another American British Screen writer Frederic Raphael in his script to Darling,  minces no words and gets it straight:

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.

Hurt by Hon’ble Oracles’ rulings, some ‘narrow’ minded men arrogantly argue that complete ‘autonomy’ to a woman may ‘upset the Apple Cart,’ as an autonomy to J&K may lead to secession of the state from India. “The Oracles rulings have hurt the male pride” says a male-chauvinist vehemently. “Be it a minister or minion, a woman has to lie down beneath the man.”

Some skeptical men from ‘lower strata’ contend that so-called historical judgement may trigger off ‘sex war’ in the society, and dismantle and demolish the age old ‘sacred’ institution of marriage in India as in Western world. “The judgement is like an idea of a river without its banks” says an old timer grudgingly. “The English did understand the complexities but the ‘black’ English failed.”

However, all the mighty and moneyed, men who are and now wish to become ‘Sugar Daddy’, welcome the judicious ‘move’ with three cheers. They maintain that sex is the most sought after natural fun that a man has without laughing. The freedom to fair sex to court and cuckold would take ‘love’ to a new height even unknown to Epicurus.

Sobbings of Maa Yamuna

OUTPOURINGS

Sobbings of Maa Yamuna

“Narendra Modi makes a great show of respect and addresses Ganga as his mother in Varanasi but to my utter surprise, not to speak of respect, perhaps, he even doesn’t recognize his mausi (Yamuna) in Delhi – pure political reasons” 

 By Mukesh Sharma

Caught in traffic jam nearby ramshackle Wazirabad bridge a few days ago, I decided to get off my car and go down stairs a few steps at the bank in order to have a closer view of maa Yamuna.

I spotted a huge breadth of gushing watercourse brimming between the banks, as Yamuna was in full spate. I was awestruck by the rare sight.

To be honest, it seemed to me that maa Yamuna has come to Delhi after a long time to see her forlorn children (Delhites).

My filial adoration made me to get down a step more and stoop to touch her (Yamuna) feet, and before I could complete gesture of reverence by taking my folded-hands to my forehead, my eyes were welling with tears. I could not hold back my tears from rolling down.

Yamuna River, Delhi

Surya  (the Sun God) was sinking in the distance, as if He (the sun) was trying to lift maa Yamuna to his lap. All of a sudden, my eyes blurred with tears, caught the sight of a colossal apparition in the form of a woman, springing out of the surge of waves of waterways. With fear and flinch, I rubbed my eyes in disbelief, but the image wouldn’t disappear. My ears pricked up at the sound of deep and distant voice, "Don’t be scared son, I am your maa Yamuna.” I couldn’t  believe my eyes. After a moment of dithering, I summoned my courage and confidence, and folded my hands in the attitude of prayer. And here is the excerpts of spiritual chat, I had with maa Yamuna.

Writer:

Maa you don’t look happy, and wear a puzzled look.

Yamuna: 

I am worried about the future of my children in Delhi. Despite all the tall talks by your netas, nothing has been done to clean the waterways. Even rain water is not harvested for future needs.

Writer: 

I can understand your concern maa. You see Robert Burn rightly says: “man’s inhumanity to man makes countless mourn.” 

Yamuna: 

Man is the worst enemy of himself. And he would be the cause of his own annihilations and extinction in dstant future. Even Mother Nature would not be able to help the man.

Writer:

Maa tell me about yourself. I wish to pen it down for my valued readers and posterity.

Yamuna: 

Far beyond the descend of mammals on earth and human knowledge and memory, I was born as per today’s geographical nomenclature in Yamunotri Glacier near Bander poonch peaks in Mussorie range of the lower Himalayas. You know, Surya Dev (Sun God) is my father: Yamah (God of Death) is my brother. Splashing through the untrodden jungles, non descript villages, small towns and big cities, with many younger sisters (tributaries) – Toshi, Betwa, ChamBal, Ken and Sindhu rivers, I (Yamuna) merge with Ganga and Saraswati (my elder sisters) in Allahabad. It is known by today’s man as Prayag confluence of Ganga, Yamuna, Saraswati.

Writer:

Maa with the present condition of your watercourse, no one can think that you have such a glorious past.

Yamuna: 

Not only that it is fact that whoever takes a dip in my waterways with all devotion, gets rid of unfounded fears. From time immemorial, humans have been nurturing this belief. My innumerable children (devotees) still have this age old faith.

Writer:

I know maa, I have seen your children taking holy dip in your waterways when thousands of people throng, particularly, on special days - puran mashi, Ganga dussehra, magh months, kartik Purnima, Chhat puja even today.

Yamuna: 

What you call your government doesn’t care about my waterways. Still hundreds of nullah and drain spill into my watercourse, making it contaminated beyond cleaning. It is not just present generation but posterity shall bear the brunt.

Writer:

Maa our netas are corrupt beyond correction. They always play politics for their self –preservation and self- aggrandizement. Nobody cares for the time-tested values.

Yamuna: 

With Narendra Modi on PM seat, my hope for the betterment was raised. He makes a great show of respect and addresses Ganga as his mother in Varanashi but to my utter surprise, not to speak of respect, he, perhaps, even doesn’t recognize his mausi (Yamuna) in Delhi - pure political reasons. And your Kejriwal, born yesterday, is more interested in his childish prank - brag and boast. I doubt whether he would ever grow up or not. But beta my heart sobs to see the pitiable plight of children of Delhi. Ignorant lots don’t know what they have done and what they are doing. Beta, it is time to make a move. May all blessing follow you.

Writer:

Pranam Maa (saluting mother Yamuna)

The Forbidden Fruit

(Humour)

The Forbidden Fruit

Nothing attracts like sex and all Adam’s sons are the natural victims of enticing Eves

By Mukesh Sharma 

T

he Paradise was lost the day Adam and Eve descended in Eden Garden. The story was very well couched in immortal words (blank verse) by a celebrated 17^th century English poet John Milton through his epic poem Paradise Lost’ and its first version was said to be brought out way back in 1667.

Courtsey: gettyimages.in  

Forbidden Fruit  

The poet’s observations are the deep reflections of man’s psyche:

“What hath right to do with sleep?” “Better to reign in hell, than to serve in heaven.” “Solitude sometimes the best society.” “Long is the way and hard, that out of the hell leads up to light.” “ Awake, arise or be for ever fall in.”

-John Milton, Paradise Lost

But to the utter surprise of common man, the ‘paradise’ appears to have been lost once again very recently since the day of John Milton after such a long time when a ‘promising’ actress leveled wild allegations of sexual harassment against the member of her own fraternity that too not in any Court of Law but on a TV channel where the popularity is grown.

Shuttling between USP (Unique Selling Point) and TRP (Television Rating Point), the ever hungry TV channels started vying for the most coveted opportunity to pass themselves off as a custodian of moral values, and of course, the oppressed women folk.

  As usual, the ‘sexy’ news, made even years old entombed ghost, #ME TOO, to wake up from slumber,  take twists and turns in grave, and come out with a grunt - #metoo, #metoo. . . 

The sussy story doesn’t end here. Some self styled puritans - judges, actors, ministers, journos  and so on, also jumped on the bandwagon, perhaps, just to ingratiate themselves. The great proponent of TRUTH, Acharya Rajneesh, popularly known as Osho in one of his discourses quips:

“If you are doing something wrong against the established practice or law, do visit a religious place of your choice regularly. If you are exposed at any point of time, there would be at least sizable number of ignorant fools who would willingly vouchsafe for you, and stand witness for you for being a gentleman.”

Always in full swing, ever ready Rahul Gandhi tweets:

“It is about time everyone learns to treat women with respect and dignity. I am glad the space for those who don’t, is closing. The truth needs to be told to bring about change.”

Replying to Rahul Gandhi’s moral sermon, @Ra-Bries, a twitterite sarcastically tweets:

“Yes sir, I completely agree with you. History is a witness of your claims and commitment of treating world women with dignity. That is why you never let the women reservation bill get through and created all possible hurdles in the Triple Talaque bill. Also do you know who was Sukanya?”

Needless to say, the sex-war is eternal. It is beyond the intervention of Oracles of Law and United Nations. It is purely regulated by the Law of Nature. It is well said:

“Opportunity gives rise to thoughts; thoughts give rise to desires, and desires give rise to action.”

  It takes two to make a ‘marriage’. No moral standard of any religion can restrain this (sex war). It is not just libido but the lust also. In Lady Holland Memoir, by Sydney Smith writes:

“How can a bishop marry? How can I flirt? The most he can say is, ‘I will see you in the vestry after service’.”

Says a devout Muslim with a sheepish grin, “Frankly speaking, all the Hindu want to be Muslim in youth, and all the Muslim, want to be Hindu in old age.”

The lure of Forbidden Fruit is pristine and proverbial. Men would be men, women would be women. Ram and Sita live in the Ramcharita manas of Tulsi Das only. But Ravana  is out. Though his effigy is burnt every year on the eve of Dussehra, he is immortal, imperishable, immutable and indestructible. He is everywhere -  in small villages, big cities, high public offices and allegedly, in the Parliament too. 

Wondrous Boy, The ‘Champion of the Earth’

(Humour)

Wondrous Boy

The ‘Champion of the Earth’

By Mukesh Sharma

W

ith all the elements of exclamations, his life story reads like the pep talks from the book Self Help by Samuel Smiles; it sounds like the contents of Conquest of Happiness by Bertrand Russel; it reflects the spirit of Ends and Means by Aldous Huxley; it shows the social philosophy of Capital by Karl Marx; it appears like the deft political moves of Chanakya Niti by Acharya Chanakya; it seems like the actions of the Prince  by Niccolo Machiavelli; his well calculated calm against the jibes of political opponents reminds one of the Gita of Lord Krishna.

His intriguing story reads like a travelogue from tea to top; from self to a son of soil; from nonentity to national figure; from RSS pracharak to Prime Minister; from State leader to Statesman.

After incipient FIASCOS, he is a man of scores of FIRSTS.  He was made an accused FIRST for 2002 Gujrat riots and later exculpated by the Supreme Court. He was anointed as chief Minister of Gujrat FIRST and an elected MLA (Member of Legislative Assembly) later in 2001. He became PM designate FIRST and an MP (Member of Parliament) later when he sweeped the general election in 2014. He is the FIRST junior BJP leader who has sidelined his seniors against hierarchy rule.

Wondrous Boy

He is the FIRST the most followed Indian leader on twitter (34.6 millions). He is the FIRST Indian politician who interacted with the netizens on live chat on Google Hangout on August 31, 2012.

He is the FIRST Indian leader who has influenced and persuaded Hon’ble Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman to go for a magnificent Hindu temple in Riyad, usually, an unheard and unwelcome idea in Muslim States.

He is the FIRST PM who has inked deal for S-400 missile system with elated 56 inch chest with Russia despite the raised eyebrows of US, a devil diplomacy.

He is the FIRST Indian leader who inspired UN General Assembly to declare 21 June as International Day for Yoga and made the world feel and realize the importance of the ancient science of India.

He is the FIRST PM who announced on TV channels the demonetization of Rs500 and Rs1000 currency notes, and declared it invalid tenders to wipe off black money, though it is a moot point in the so called intelligentsia.

Despite all the obstructionist approaches of opposition, he is the FIRST PM who has stuck to his “One Nation, and One Tax”, and has brought GST (Goods & service Tax) in force.

He is the FIRST PM who has challenged the ever bullying bigots, and has gone against the age old apocryphal practice of TRIPLE TALAQ, a disgrace to women folk and assertion of male-chauvinism, and has managed to declare it a cognizable crime now, well against so called Islamic canonical laws  ̶  Shariat and Hadees, much to the chagrin of some  self-styled  netas and vested interests.

He is the FIRST BJP leader who has made it possible to form BJP government in 19 states, after squeezing the ‘divine’ right and rectitude of Congress that has ruled and allegedly “ruined” India where over 50% populace is still below the poverty line, even after 72 years of independence. When India got independence in 1947, China was said to be lagging behind by 60 years but today China is, supposedly, 100 years ahead.

He is the FIRST leader who has forced his opponents to kneel down and allegedly,  seek the help of arch-enemy Pakistan and diplomatic foe China to defeat him in upcoming general election, a political maneuver lesser known to gullible populace.

He is the FIRST BJP leader who has given splitting headache to ‘Gandhis’, seemingly disturbed by his astute design and demagogy, and has made the Scion of Gandhi family to copy his modus Vivendi and modus oprandi  ̶   temple hopping, Mansarovar Yatra,  foreign jaunts to meet and greet Indians diaspora and so on.

He is the FIRST leader who is a fashion icon and makes style statements with his half-sleeves kurta and churidaar pyjama, an elegant but simple sartorial sense.

He is the FIRST Indian leader who has given hugs to the most of the powerful leaders of the world, and has, amusingly, been rated by US media as a “big hugger.”

As a workaholic, he is the FIRST PM who has not taken a single day leave and has worked 18 hours a day in his four and half years of tenure as a PM.

He is the FIRST PM whose kins live in wants at their ancestral  house in Gujrat. He has never mixed his public life with his private life, in contrast, to the most of the kins of netas who  make their pile just in 5 years, once they come to power, and still an, adamantly, single man is surprisingly being singled out for alleged corruption in certain deal for no apparent reason.

Since Election Commission has announced the dates of election in 5 states (Madhya Pradesh, Chhattisgarh, Mizoram, Rajasthan and Telangana) in upcoming November 2018, opposition leaders like wolves are out to hunt down the ‘lion’  (his supporters euphemistically call him lion). But they (opposition leaders) intuitively know that it will not be a cakewalk. Bereft of the issue, opposition leaders are busy in girding up their loin and riding up sleeves by spreading alleged lies.  And to the utter disbelief, dismay and distress of the opposition, now he has become the ‘Champion of the Earth’ before the opposition gets wind of his latest achievement (The award was announced on September 26, 2018 on the sidelines of 73^rd UN general Assembly in New York).

If the events continue to roll like that his opponents who are in jittery, believe he may soon become the ‘Champion of the Universe’. No doubt, the ‘world’ is perturbed and perplexed by the mindboggling feats of the FIRST of the Wondrous Boy,  the Champion of the Earth.

Of ‘Gandhi’ Tree

(Humour)

Of ‘Gandhi’ Tree

The clamorous claim on the ‘tree’ has become a nonsensical ‘national’ dispute between Name Changer Gandhis and Game Changer Modi

By Mukesh Sharma

Our learned forefathers had discovered the medicinal and religious importance of plants and trees ages ago. Charak Samhita by rishi Charak, a worldwide acclaimed ancient treatise is authenticated even by modern pathologists and physicians. Among the vast variety of vegetation, the most revered are: tulsi (holy basil), a household name in India; neem’s medicinal properties are known to the world; peepal (sacred fig) has deep cultural significance in India; banyan is worshipped by the Hindu for their strong religious belief, and it is said Mahatma Buddha attained enlightenment under this tree only.

However, the mainline ‘gangs’ so called national political parties have come out in open to stake claim on this miracle ‘Gandhi’ tree. It has become a more serious property dispute than Ram mandir temple at Ayodhya. Of course, the dispute is beyond petition. Even overactive Oracles of law would not dare to step in. On 2^nd October, the day of the birth of the said tree, the poor populace watched the drama of netas at Sevagram Ashram (where Mahatma Gandhi is said to have spent 11 years of his life).

Though the tree in question is 150 years old which was planted by the respected Gujarati couple一Karamchand Gandhi (father) and Putlibai Gandhi (mother) at Porbander, a coastal town in Kathiawar, Gujarat, the property ‘hawk’ have set their eyes on it (tree) to grab and usurp.

The much talked ‘Gandhis’ stake their claim on the basis of their ‘surname’. But documentary evidences indicate that their claim is not beyond doubt. What is noteworthy, the real ‘Gandhis’ are silent on the issue. In fact the history of Gandhi surname can be traced in Gujrat and Punjab一there are so many renowned Gandhis一Rustom K.S. Gandhi (1924-2014, an Indian Navy Admiral), Sorab K Gandhi (Prof Emeritus at Ranssellaer Polytechnic Institute), Devang  Gandhi (an Indian cricketer) and so on.

Interestingly, the real Gandhis are not the party to this dispute. It is the doubtful ‘Gandhis’ who are the  First Party.

The doubt get credence by the oft-told interesting story and that goes like that:

Thousands of moon ago, a devout Muslim from Junagadhi area of Gujarat, named Faredoon Jehangir marries a Parsi woman after converting her to Islam. In old times, surname used to be the window to day-to-day life of a person. So all the grocers selling grocery, oil, ghee etc would suffix their name with ‘Ghandy’’ derived from Sanskrit  word gandh (smell). So the full name of that Muslim was Faredoon Jehangir Ghandy.  Influenced by the fierce freedom struggle of then Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (now Mahatma Gandhi), young and handsome son of aforesaid muslim Firoz Jehangir Ghandy changes the spelling of his surname from ‘Ghandy’ to ‘Gandhi’. Now historically known as Firoz Gandhi. He marries the daughter of then political star Jawahrlal Nehru, Priyadarshini Nehru. After the marriage, she also changes her maiden name to Indira Gandhi. Out of the wedlock, two baby boys are born - Rajiv Gandhi and Sanjay Gandhi. In his youth, the former falls in love with an Italian chic, named Edvige Antonia Albina Maino. K.M. Rao, an author of An Indian Dynasty  alleges: “ the strong crush makes Rajiv Gandhi to change his religion and he embraces Christianity (Catholic) to marry Maino. He becomes Roberto and the marriage is solemnized in church as per Christian custom. The love-birds are blessed with  two kids 一Raul (sonl) and Bianca (daughter). And later for the reasons best known to the family, Raul becomes Rahul Gandhi, Bianca, Priyanka Gandhi, and their respected mother becomes Sonia Gandhi.”

Now the latest news is that overgrown ‘boy’ has become Janaudhari pandit and also a devotee of lord Shiva that too overnight.

Even the chameleon would shy to see the way the netas change their ‘colours’.

Irrespective of vehement claim, made by ‘Gandhis’, the First Party, the common people contend that they are not lawful and rightful claimant to ‘Gandhi Tree’.

 At this juncture, another ‘party’ joins this so called ‘national dispute’ as a Second Party. And they claim that Mahatma Gandhi is Father of Nation, and India is their Bharat Mata. So they are the only legal heir and legitimate claimant to the tree. Taking the wind out of the sail and stealing the march, the Second Party has decided to celebrate 150 years of birth anniversary of the tree in a big way and the celebrations would continue till 2 October, 2020. 

Axiomatically, if the ‘First Party’ is Name Changer, the Second Party’ is Game Changer! The dispute has become a clamorous claim and nonsensical national dispute between Gandhis (the First Party)  and Modi’s BJP (the Second  Party)

However, the common people believe, true to their self, the selfish netas seldom uphold the virtuous values the grand old ‘Gandhi’ Tree stands for. They eye up its national importance based on the reverence and trust of teeming millions in India and across the world.